This is the source of my procrastination.

You know what I think I need?  A break from life as it is now. I want to experience life in a new way.  In a way that makes me feel like I’m actually living.  I want to travel all over the country and discover new things in unexpected places, meet people I would never normally encounter, and do something crazy just because I can.  I want to go and discover and live and love every minute of it, hopefully discovering myself in the process.

Its cliché, but I’ll say it anyway: I only have one life to live.  Am I truly living?  Sometimes life seems too careful, too planned, too expected.  Monotonous.  I wonder what its like to have no stress, no worries, no one to let down but yourself.  In my philosophy class we read the book “A Contemporary Introduction to Free Will.”  In the book, the author, Robert Kane discusses the different ideas from various brilliant philosophers about whether or not we have any freedom at all.  One of the first questions the book presents is this: What is freedom?  That, I think, is an excellent question to ask ourselves.  Look in a dictionary.  You’ll see definitions like, “the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint,” or “the power to determine action without restraint.”  See, these are only attempts at explaining what it is to be free.  Philosophers have pondered for years…Are we truly free? Are our actions determined? If so, who determines our actions?  The complications that arise when we try to answer these questions is frustrating, to say the least.  I can thank my philosophy professor for putting these thoughts in my head.

Whatever freedom is, I know I want to feel it.  Right now, it seems as if I’m so stuck in my obligations and expectations.  School. Work. Study. Say the right thing.  Please the right people.  Sometimes, I think freedom might just be releasing the constant tension in my shoulders that is ever-present from the stress of simply living life.  I wonder if life will ever really be about living, or if such a thing is merely fantasy.  And, if I were to ever really live life, what would that look like?  In my head, I see myself out in the world, taking pictures and changing the lives of the people I meet.  However, this truly does seem like a fantasy.  I’ve always liked the idea of a fantasy world.  Maybe that is the purpose of an imagination: to create a place in which to escape from the seemingly not-so-full-of-life life.

I’ve set a goal to take some time every week to do something that is purely for myself and nothing more.  Paint something.  Read for fun.  Go for a walk.

There are no expectations in taking a walk.